Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this