Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
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me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.