Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
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After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
This is not me but this is me
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I was bored.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.