If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
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Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*