I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!