8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
You Might Also Like
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…