Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.