I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Meanwhile in Portland…
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho