*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
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HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
incredible text to wake up to
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.