Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.