Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40