[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Air conditioning – not a fan
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-