A classic…
You Might Also Like
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
dutch is not a serious language
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know