I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Butt weight. There’s more!
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit