My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying