I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
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[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking