馃捇馃ぁ
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Can you even call yourself a family if you鈥檙e not making at least one person upset with what you鈥檙e serving for dinner?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where鈥檚 my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone鈥檚 flashlight to help me find my phone.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you鈥檙e going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Salesman: That鈥檚 our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
my favouritest X鈥檚, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I鈥檝e looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school鈥檚 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they鈥檝e seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What鈥檚 the bottle of champagne for?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again馃槶
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!