Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
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Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent