[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
You Might Also Like
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business