Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
🤔😂😂
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing