Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
You Might Also Like
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.