If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Just had my nails done!
Important reminders
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
(Electricians.)
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.