[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
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time for some seasonal decor
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.