God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.