As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard