Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
You Might Also Like
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Broom by every window for quick escape.