I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
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[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
What do you hear?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
i love meeting boys on tinder
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.