No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
shut up and take my money
We have a winner.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did