You Might Also Like
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.