“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
You Might Also Like
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.