how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
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me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!