God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
#dalle2
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”