Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
This could be us but you eatin’
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
my fav colour is also hitler
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control