One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.