WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Breaking news:
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.