Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
You Might Also Like
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango