What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.