*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
2023 was just a warmup
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*