Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Safety first
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
How software testing works
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now