There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You Might Also Like
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.