I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Saw online –
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?