You Might Also Like
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
A classic…
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m Sold!