The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…