if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
You Might Also Like
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
He wanted to make sure😂
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Duolingo getting serious.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me