half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
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Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub