people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
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not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.