The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Butt weight. There’s more!
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
This makes total sense…
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
TODAY
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
My background check bounced.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.