I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
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[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
what?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.