My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
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[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be