Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
This is my emotional support knife.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist